If you missed last week you can go check out my first post about my journey to motherhood through this link: First Joy
So we all know about Black Friday especially since I worked in retail but I was always lucky to never work it since I was always out of town. Also, since I work in retail I never take part in Black Friday. It is a little too insane for me so I stay inside for the morning that day.
But in 2013 since I was in town for the long weekend I did make lunch plans to meet a good friend and old coworker at Joe’s BBQ in downtown Gilbert. It is one of my must eat at places when I go back home to Arizona. I arrived early so I walked around the area a bit making sure I stayed active and healthy for the pregnancy.
While I was walking I noticed a bit of cramping happening. I heard this could be common in early pregnancy but I did start to worry. In my worry, I did also start to pray to God. I remember having prayed so much already through this pregnancy both for gratitude and for a healthy baby. When I got to Joe’s I ran into the bathroom before I met my friend because even in the first trimester I had to go ALL the time. It could have been because I was drinking a gallon of water daily.
While in the restroom I noticed a spot when I wiped. This got my heart pumping. I had two friends in the past year that had miscarried so my mind went there right away. I think most women in the first trimester go to that thought pretty fast when things don’t look normal. But I chose to stay calm and meet my friend because it was hopefully nothing. I had a great lunch and told my friend that I was expecting. She was so happy as she had known me through my engagement, wedding, and marriage just waiting for me to become a mom.
After a couple hours of talking I headed back to my parents house where I noticed more spotting while using the bathroom. This was when I decided to call my midwives, even though I hadn’t gone to my first appointment yet. I was still trying to decide if I was going to go with the birth center or a hospital. I had to leave a message with the answering service and wait for a call back. One of the midwives called me back within 15 minutes and talk through the situation. She said it sounded very normal as many pregnancy has spotting but as long as it didn’t increase or become larger then a quarter size I should relax. This relaxed me for the evening so I went on with enjoying the rest of my Friday.
Even though I relaxed for the rest of the day I don’t think I slept very well Friday night but woke early on Saturday morning. I went into the bathroom and noticed quite a bit more bleeding then anytime yesterday. It is also possible I might have noticed a small cramp but I can’t recall at this moment what truly woke me. I was very unsure at this point so I woke my husband. My husband is a very cautious man so he decided that we would go straight to the Emergency Room. We called my mom since we were sleeping at my in-laws to let her know what was happening. And my husband let his parents know before we left for the hospital.
We arrived at the Emergency Room and my husband helped fill out the paper work before they took me back. It was hard on naming the due date since I hadn’t seen my doctor or midwives yet. Everyone likes you to wait until the 8 week mark because they can’t do too much if something happens before then and they can’t see too much either. This was one of my first experiences with the ER although in the coming year, between my husband and me, I have gotten use to it.
I was very scared at this point. Everyone just kept asking how far along I was and getting information. Finally a doctor came in and explained what they were going to do. They were going to take my blood to check hormone levels and then do an ultrasound after she did a quick check. We were in the ER for about 4 hours taking care of all that and just sitting. During this time my mom arrived and my husband was texting our good friends. They finally released me saying they weren’t sure if I was miscarrying but I was pregnant although my hormone levels were low placing me about two weeks behind where I stated I should be. That got me trying to calculate if there was any way I was that off in my dating.
So I left praying that it would all be ok and maybe I had just miscalculated my due date (July 11). We went out to eat at Nando’s in Gilbert with my mom, sister and my in-laws. While there I think is when the point came that I knew in my heart that I was miscarrying because I went to the restroom because I wasn’t feeling great and there was very heavy spotting. We left fast to go rest at my parents house because a mom is such great help when going through a struggle. I didn’t feel good the rest of the weekend which meant I missed a friends wedding. My family helped keep my mind off it by playing cards and laughing.
Since we were away from home there wasn’t much we could do until we got back to my doctor on Monday. So we flew out on Southwest Sunday evening which we got preboard since I was technically still pregnant which was good because I was nauseous and had a headache at this point. Sadly, the plane was delayed leaving and I just wanted to get home to my own bed. I literally slept the whole flight home which according to my husband was a good thing because it was a strange flight.
Early Monday morning I gathered all the paperwork from the ER and headed to my doctor’s office to have another blood draw which would tell confirm what was happening. It was good that for a blood draw I didn’t need an appointment just to make sure the nurse had filed the correct paper work and to drop off the ER paperwork. Monday was the longest day of my life. I had called out from my temp job for the entire week and Rob called in sick for the day. So we just sat around and loved on Samson.
The call finally came in around 4pm that according to the second blood draw my hormone levels had dropped significantly and the pregnancy was not viable. I just sat and cried heavy tears. There wasn’t anything else to do. My beloved child was gone. No smiles, no first day of school, no decisions on what sports they would play. All those dreams and many more were gone. I really think about much more then that in those first few moments.
I was surprised when my doctor called me from her shift at the hospital to talk and see how I was doing since it was a nurse that had called with the information. It was hard not to just cry the whole time on the phone. I was blessed to have a caring doctor through this time. After that call, I gathered the courage to call a good friend that had just miscarried a few months earlier. Another surprise was that she promptly a football party and bought us a full bag of groceries. Our fridge was empty as we had just been out of town.
My husband called his good friend who also came over later bringing us four delicious PinkaBella Cupcakes. It helped to have loving arms support us through this time. My husband also sent out an email to our Adult Bible Fellowship class at church asking for prayers and encouragement.
There wasn’t really much else we could do. I think the next couple days were spent watching Netflix to distract myself and crying. It was one of the hardest experiences I have ever gone through. It is amazing how much you can grieve a child you never got to hold or meet. This led my to the hardest holiday season to walk through.