December 2013 was possibly the hardest Christmas season of my life. It began as you saw last time with losing my first baby. But I had multiple events that I had committed too and fulfilled my responsibility though I was experiencing a huge loss in my life. I was grateful that I got to take a whole week off my temporary full-time job and asked Gap to work with me which meant almost a full month off. I knew getting back out there would help but I was still feeling really emotional and unsure of where to go. A bright spot in my week was beautiful surprise flowers at my door from my visual manager at Gap. I learned through my loss that the little things really encouraged me.
So right after the Monday, when everything was confirmed, I just stayed inside for two days and did nothing. It probably would have been the whole week but I had my commitment to host a table at the Ladies Friendship Dinner at my church with my table full of guests that I had invited. So I got myself up on Thursday, December 5th and got ready for the day. My plan was to pack the car with my dishes and decor, drop off my Christmas cards which were completed and head to the church to set up.
I made it as far as just past the post office when I completely broke down. I had just dropped off my Christmas cards and realized I had forgotten to write my return address on the envelopes. This made me upset because I might not get as many Christmas cards back even though we hadn’t moved that year. I really enjoy getting Christmas cards and hearing about my friends years. Now I think that usually this wouldn’t have set me off but I was hysterical.
I can’t remember if I called my husband or just eventually calmed myself down before arriving the church. But I do remember having knots in my stomach when I got near. This was my first outing since my miscarriage and was wishing to just turn around. I was thinking how do you continue on with life as normal when it wasn’t anymore. I know it took everything in me to go into the church and setup the table. Trying to put on a brave face and get things done. I am not sure if it was a blessing or not but there were very few women setting up so I could work quickly and quietly. I literally snuck into to my table and got the job done with only one break. That break took me into the ladies restroom where I did take time to cry. It was one of the hardest first things to do post miscarriage.
When I was leaving one of my friends was arriving to set up her table so I got a hug from her and chatted quickly then I took off home to rest for the afternoon before returning to host the table that evening. I need the rest both physically and emotionally.
The evening turned out well. I know I get encouragement from fellowship especially those women that I invite to the dinner. I will say I got some much needed hugs and a card from my friends in attendance. The music was good and the meal delicious. It was comforting that my husband was serving that night too so he got to drive me to the church and back. I do believe other then going to the doctors office that month that first outing was the hardest.
We then hosted our annual ornament Christmas party a couple weekends later. I was blessed that everyone who attended knew about the miscarriage. It wasn’t a large gathering of friends but the right amount. I actually had just had my last blood draw to confirm that my hormone levels were back to normal.
And it surprised me how well I handled the party as the last two couples that stayed were expecting their first child within two or three months. I think it was harder watching complete strangers happy with their babies or expecting mothers with their excitement instead of my friends. Even to myself that seemed odd but I could celebrate with friends but grieve when I saw strangers.
The last really hard moment that I remember from the Christmas season was receiving a pregnancy announcement from one of our friends that they were expecting the day before I had been due. I remember sitting on the couch and saying “crap”. That is not a word I normally use so my husband asked what was wrong and I told him. He responded by saying, “You don’t need to be upset. And aren’t you over it by now.” That flipped me out because I felt I had every right to freak out about someone due the same time as me and I was no where near being “over it”. This couple had also gotten married two weeks after us and it would have been great to celebrate together but instead I was mourning the loss of my baby.
I think the continually feeling of my loss and grieving when my husband viewed it as being done was also hard. I was feeling sad quite a bit and struggling at my temporary job because I didn’t tell anyone of them about my loss. That meant every day working with a smile and people that had no clue what had happened. It was hard to go into the office all the time. I did get a surprise day off as it snowed the Friday before Christmas which is rare up here in the Pacific Northwest. But my husband, Samson and I enjoyed our lazy day.
The best time of the Christmas season was spending it with family in Arizona. We spent a week down there enjoying all of our holiday traditions. It is hard to go through the loss of a life, dreams, and a family and try to celebrate the birth of our savior at the same time. I know I struggles for the first few months after the miscarriage but December was the most difficult. I am blessed to have had family that loved on us and a few friends that gathered around us.
If you missed my first two posts to read about my full story follow the links below: