April Fools Day 2014. I wish that day and the week had been a joke. I was almost 11 weeks along and I was so excited. I was feeling wonderful except for chasing after this adorable puppy. He was full of energy and teaching him to go outside was a challenge because he didn’t like to get wet. Have I mentioned we live in the Pacific Northwest? Oh and his first 6 weeks with us was in late February and March so that meant drizzle or rain most of the time. Try standing out in that while you wait fifteen minutes for a puppy to do his business.
So since I was feeling good I bought two dresses from Old Navy that would be perfect for the start of a bump and for the coming summer. I also went to thrift stores and bought some adorable outfits that were gender neutral. I was so close to that magical twelve week mark. I was feeling good and at my 8 week appointment everything was great.
So it was actually on March 31st that I noticed the spotting in the evening right before getting into the shower. I told myself that it was small and wasn’t anything but then I just broke down crying. I was positive this meant it was over. All the memories from before came back and I couldn’t stop myself. By the end of the shower I had calmed myself down and talked myself into that I just need to watch it. It was probably completely normal and fine.
So April 1st came around. It was the morning and it was still spotting but not heavier like it had changed over Thanksgiving. So I was truly not nervous any more but my husband said to call and get an appointment just to double check due to my history. I called my doctor’s office to get in that afternoon. She was completely busy but a nurse practitioner could see me. I took the appointment because I wanted confirmation that everything was fine.
I kept myself busy in the morning taking my dog, Samson, into the vet for a follow up bloodwork. We were trying to figure out what was wrong because he had three seizures in the past year and half. After that my husband came home to take me to my doctor’s appointment. We were both talking about seeing the heartbeat and how we were sure everything was fine. I was trusting God completely. Because I had prayed and lifted this pregnancy up to him. I kept holding to Romans 8:28 knowing that I was in His hands.
We got there and into the exam room. The nurse practitioner came in and introduced herself. I told her what was going and what I was thinking and she said everything should be fine but an ultrasound would confirm everything. So she got the machine out and started to look. I knew within thirty seconds that something was wrong. She said she was having trouble finding the heartbeat and she would be right back. It was the worst visit ever.
She brought back in another doctor in the practice to look as well as printed some images of the ultrasound to give to my doctor. But both confirmed that it looked like the baby was two weeks behind in growth and couldn’t find a heartbeat. I just started bawling. I couldn’t stop, my husband brought his arms around me and just held me close. We were expecting to see a heartbeat but now this. Another baby gone, why did it have to be April 1st too!
We set up to see my doctor in two days just to talk with her and set up a plan. I think they were also giving me time to see if it would continue to increase to a full miscarriage or need assistance.
I walked out of there so sad and upset. But we had been here before but this time almost 4 weeks farther along. It was a nightmare that I truly didn’t want to be apart of.