So after our April Fool’s Day we headed into one of the physically and emotionally hardest week for both of us. I knew my baby was gone walking out of that first appointment on April 1st but I think my husband was hoping something just wasn’t working right with the equipment. He sent out an email to our church group asking for prayers and that everything would be ok. I am pretty sure I just called my mom to talk and cry.
We went in to see my doctor on that Thursday and in my mind it was just to confirm and go over options. Sadly she had looked at the ultrasound pictures that had been printed and said there was no mistake. She confirmed that the baby had stopped growing shortly after our previous appointment. We were there to talk about options.
Last time I didn’t have to make any choices because everything happened on its own. My body did everything naturally and quickly. What was happening now might be considered a missed miscarriage because the baby was died but my body was still acting pregnant.
There were three choices to make. First one was to wait and see how long my body took to fully miscarry which could take anywhere from 2 days to 6 weeks according to my doctor. The second choice was to take medicine to help induce the miscarriage which mean it would happen that weekend if it worked. The last choice was a small procedure called a D&C where she would go in to take the baby and all tissue out. This last option would always be a chance even if I chose the first two because sometimes a body doesn’t completely miscarry.
My doctor says she usually insists on a D&C at 11 weeks along but since my body was already showing signs of the miscarriage and the baby was only the size of an 8 week pregnancy it was my choice. I hate procedures so I refused that one quickly. My husband and I discussed the other two options and settled on number 2. I wanted the medicine so I would know when it was happening and to be done with it. I think it was the best choice mentally.
So we went pick up the medicine and decided to use it first thing on Friday morning. I called a friend to let her know and she said she would come over on Friday around lunch time. She was going to bring some food along but could only stay a couple hours because she had a newborn at home. I can’t really remember much of Thursday evening except that my dog, Samson, decided to throw up on our down comforter at 11pm. It was terrible timing because it had to be washed in a commercial size washing machine. I wasn’t going to go sit in a laundromat while I miscarried my baby.
Friday morning I texted a few friends to get help to take care of our comforter. We had great friends that brought a meal and picked up our comforter. Also, I got a call from the vet saying that Samson had a blood disease, he thought, that was causing the seizures. I listened but said we would get back because I didn’t really care about fixing Samson when I was just trying take care of myself.
So Friday morning came and first thing I did when I woke up was take the medicine then went back to lay down. It worked well and it was the worst day of my life. I remember working through the pain which was just like contractions with no pause and thinking I can’t do this. It is just like labor but there is no joy on the other end. How can I do it? I had always been told that women can handle labor because of the child they get to hold on the other side. I wasn’t getting to hold anything. My husband even called to see if we could get some pain medicine right away to help ease my pain.
But my friend showed up then with lunch, wine and chocolate. All of those things especially her presence helped me. I relaxed and it helped the process along. It all happened and I was resting by the time she had to leave to get back to her newborn. I couldn’t thank her enough for taking her time to help. She knew what I needed without me asking and before I knew what I needed.
That weekend was set aside for just my husband and me. The one thing I vividly remember is we were set to move at the end of the month so my husband was going to go get some boxes for us. Right before he left he caught me watching Hope Floats where Sandra Bullock’s character was dancing with her dad. I might have been getting choked up but I don’t tend to cry at movies so can’t remember. When he returned from the boxes he told me he broke down on the way because he realized he wouldn’t get that chance. A chance to dance with his daughter (we didn’t know the gender but it was hypothetical). I remember just holding each other and crying.
I believe the second miscarriage hit my husband much harder then it did me. I physically had more happen but I handled the second loss emotionally better. Every day in April was hard though. I had a doctor’s appointment almost every week to check hormones and to make sure my uterus was clear.
I did choose to eat healthy and get back to working out right away which made me fell wonderful. I do believe in the mental and physical help that exercise can give you. I enjoyed getting back into shape so I felt good with my body again.
The hardest appointment was going in for full ultrasound with a technician during the same time that I was originally suppose to have the twelve week ultrasound with the baby. I needed to do it and it was easiest since it was already scheduled. My doctor wanted to see if everything was moving along with the miscarriage as it should. But emotionally it was so hard to walk in when I should have been there for a whole other reason. I had wanted to be celebrating a life not making sure my body was handling a loss.
I never thought I would get use to blood draws but after two miscarriages I can say I have. I don’t even come close to passing out any more. I am not really excited that I can handle that well now but it is a side blessing.
Through this second loss I held to Romans 8:28, ” And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” I believe God was showing me that his definition of good was different then mine. Was I willing to trust him no matter what? Could I see the good from it?
At this moment I couldn’t see the good. Maybe someday I would but right now I just wanted a baby and was afraid I might never hold my own child.
If you haven’t been following my journey to motherhood here are the links: