So I got through April and was recovered physically from my second loss. I was healthy and strong. I started eating healthy and working out immediately after my loss. But even though I physically recovered fast it didn’t mean that I was over “it”. I was still grieving. I was emotionally up and down.
May 2014 was quite busy. We moved on May 1st into a new house. A house that was suppose to be filled with children because we got an extra bedroom just for that as we had chosen it before my second loss. Luckily I wasn’t in the house for much of the first 6 weeks to truly concentrate on that. I was only in the house less then a week before leaving on vacation. I got to unpack my kitchen and then left to visit my sister then attend my younger brother’s graduation with his physical therapy degree.
It was great to be with my family but the vacation also ended up being over Mother’s Day. My first Mother’s Day BUT with nothing in my arms. I thought being with my family would be the best but I was not with my husband which was the hardest. He had to stay back to work and take care of the dogs. It was the hardest thing because no one else had been with me day in and day out. Some things can’t be explained that living through it gives you.
I had a lovely time going to the graduation on that Saturday. Enjoyed time with my family but when it came around to that Sunday, my first Mother’s Day. It was hard. So much harder then expected.
We went to my brother’s church. I didn’t really expect it to hit me there but I was in tears during the worship. I was just in my head thinking about my children and if I would ever hold one in my arms. Can’t truly explain but I think I just got thinking about what this day should have been. I would have or shortly be finding out the gender of the second baby if it hadn’t been lost. I would have had a cute round belly. It would be a whole different day.
I will say it was a blessing that at the end of the service the pastor wished all mothers, those who couldn’t be mothers, those who had lost babies, as well as those first time moms with babies in arms or grandma’s with grown children. It helped to be acknowledge by him. It also helped to get a few text messages and facebook messages from close friends wishing me a happy mother’s day. It was nice to be remembered even though to the outside world I wasn’t a mother.
A hidden blessing for me was that some friends of my brother’s ended up backing out of our lunch celebration last minute. My brother and his wife were sad about it but that evening I told them I think it was meant to be because their friends had a few week old baby. I am pretty sure it would have been too hard to sit there across from a newborn babe.
Another hard element was that my siblings and parents didn’t quite acknowledge my first Mother’s Day. I sat down with them late that evening to explain more and share how my journey was going. After that discussion they were great support and would be for the rest of my journey to my little man.
I do think that it was good to help my family understand all that had happened in the last 5 months. And see how it had lasting effects. I felt a great bonding happen that night.
I would encourage you that if you are trying to go through a miscarriage alone, don’t!
Let your family and close friends in. They might not fully understand but sit down and talk. They want to hear and learn. I am an advocate to not be quiet about miscarriages. Don’t hide pregnancies until a “magic” week where statistically you won’t lose the baby. I think more people need to hear how it feels and what goes along with that.
I am glad for a supportive family even when they didn’t realize they forgot but that they were willing to listen. I don’t believe many people think about the mothers out there without their child in their arms. So next Mother’s and Father’s day reach out to one that you know has lost a child. It might just make their day to have a text, email, call, or hug.
My arms were empty but my heart was full with two children in the arms of my Lord.
If you haven’t been following along with my story you can see the previous posts below: