We come to what physically one of the hardest summers that I have had. We are in the summer of 2014. The summer that I was sick and just laying on the couch praying and hoping. That was because when we arrived home from Arizona I was late. And I mean like almost a week late by the time I decided to take a pregnancy test.
I really didn’t expect to be pregnant. We hadn’t tried because I thought there was no way and we had been so busy. I also had enjoyed some alcohol down in Arizona because I didn’t think it was possible. But two days after arriving home from our trip to Arizona I took a test and to my disbelief I was pregnant again. Since this was my third positive pregnancy test in less then a year I didn’t take a picture of it this time because in the back of my mind it wasn’t going to last.
I know most people are over the moon excited to be pregnant. I was the first two times but now for a third time I was a mixture of fear, doubt, joy, uncertainty and oh so much more. I told my husband and even he was unsure how to respond. It is so hard to explain the type of emotions that go through you every hour when you have lost multiple pregnancies. I wanted to rejoice but I was so scared.
The first thing we did was call both of our parents because we wanted as much support as possible. And we knew they were safe people to tell. We did wait for the rest of the family because I was so afraid that they wouldn’t want to go through this again with us. But after talking to my mom I decided I would tell them once I got my six week appointment which was just a week away because my next call was to my doctors.
They scheduled me right away so that I could get checked and have a baseline to keep track so we would know if this pregnancy was on track. That appointment was one of the hardest ones to go to. My husband felt he needed to be at work since he had just gotten back from vacation and I told him I would be fine to go by myself. That is a big mistake.
Just getting out of my car was hard because fear seized my heart. I had been to this office too many times for the wrong reason. I think just walking in took great strength. I really wanted to run and hid instead of possibly see another loss.
But I did it!
I walked in and got to sit with the other pregnant ladies after a few months of waiting in silence with loss. I didn’t have to wait too long and I was taken back. It wasn’t the normal nurse so it was really odd that she made me take a pregnancy test and asked for a urine sample. I, to this day, don’t know why because neither of my previous pregnancy had I been requested to do that.
My doctor came in and did an ultrasound and it was beautiful. We could see the babies heartbeat. We talked about what was next. She was willing to see me every two weeks through the first trimester to help keep me calm. I also got a prescription for progesterone and she told me to start taking baby aspirin. She said there was no medical proof that these would help but there was no down sides to doing them so I agreed. At this point I would do anything that might actually help keep the pregnancy.
Since that appointment went well I texted all of my siblings to let them know that we were expecting again. I needed prayer and support because fear crept in hourly. Even though I had just seen the baby’s heartbeat I was sure it had changed by that evening.
So this began the summer of 2014. The expected arrival or loss of another child. And the due date was February 16 just days after my birthday if I actually carried the child. The only good thing that came with this pregnancy was morning sickness (morning, noon and night). I didn’t have energy to walk the dogs. I quit working at Gap temporarily because I wasn’t going to push myself.
It was physically and emotionally the hardest summer ever.
You can read the rest of my story here: