Wish it was an April Fool’s Joke

Growing up as a child I enjoyed April Fool’s Day as much as any kid. My mom would put dry noodles in my sandwich. She made green eggs or color my milk. It was harmless pranks and fun to laugh at.

Even as an adult, April Fool’s Day can be fun as long as they are just harmless pranks. I know to double check news stories released on April 1st. I don’t believe even half as much I usually do on Facebook especially pregnancy announcements. But I don’t laugh at that joke because my April 1st is a remembrance for my second loss.

It was 2 years ago on this day that I found out that my baby’s heartbeat was gone. That I had lost my second child a week before I was to see the fully formed baby in my womb. My baby was suppose to be 11 weeks along but due to some spotting I called for a ultrasound on April 1st to hopefully rule out another miscarriage and see the heartbeat for the first time.

My emotions had run the gamut leading up to my  afternoon appointment. When I first saw the blood I immediately went into tears just knowing I was losing my second child. It sent me right back to my first loss over Black Friday weekend.  But then the spotting never picked up like before so I was convinced that I was overreacting.

So as my husband and I walked into the doctor’s office I was confident I would be seeing my baby’s heartbeat. I had just purchased a few pieces of clothes because I was so close to that “magic” week.

But this was no joke. The doctor looked and I knew immediately that something was wrong.

Why couldn’t it just be an April Fool’s joke?

I still wish it had been to this day.

This is the second year of holding my firstborn in my arms during the anniversary of my second loss. But I have been thinking on it more this year because last year I was honestly too busy between a 6 week old, moving and just returning from vacation.

I know that if I hadn’t had either miscarriage I wouldn’t have my David. He wouldn’t have been my firstborn but I know holding my handsome 13 month old son that he was always meant to be my firstborn.

But that knowledge also doesn’t take away the pain that April 1st holds. It doesn’t take away the love that I have for my first two children. I will forever be a mother of three and hopefully more in the future.

This year I thought more of my loss leading up to April 1st. It came to my mind on Easter as we celebrate new life and eternal life through Christ. I will never forget the losses as long as I live.

The past three years I know that my God as held me in his arms and my family is in his control. I do pray that I will get to know more children and I long for a full house of laughter. But for now I remember the two children that I met and enjoy the one child that brings a smile to my face daily.

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Three beautiful quilt paintings by my sister to remember all my children. They hang on our nursery wall for all to see.

 

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