This past week I have been struggling with missing the known specifically my life in Seattle. It has been five months in Southern California and I still feel really new here.
I am sure the pregnancy hormones don’t help with my emotions but I also know from prior experience that this time comes in a move. It is when you are settled physically but needing time to build those relationships, bring about familiarity, and find all those things (places, doctors, services, etc) that you slowly realize you need.
The biggest area that I feel the gap in this week was my home church up in Bellevue and my friends. I miss going to the Sunday School group and knowing about the others lives and having connection. I miss knowing what church we were going to every week and what to expect. I miss not having a set nursery for my son. I miss the beautiful smiling faces of friends that have been there through good and bad times with us.
It is hard that after five months we haven’t found a church to call home. We have visited many. I have a great MOPs group that I attended and am now going to a summer Bible Study with but I still feel new and left out since we choose not to call that church home.
Then the second area that I am feeling the newness in is my pregnancy.
I miss my midwives and birth center. I wish I could have the familiarity there instead of finding a new midwife and making the decisions there. I miss not already knowing who to call when I want a chiropractor in this pregnancy or a massage. I miss not being able to have my doulas that we had with my little man’s birth. I miss knowing the hospital that was the back up and my set OBGYN.
I don’t want to have to find all these new things. I don’t like having to find these new things.
I do have a new midwife but it is so hard not to compare and be disappointed with my choice. We went with a home birth this time around instead of birth center because the birth centers are not the same as they are in Washington.
I am sure on the other side of holding this coming baby that these feelings won’t matter and I will probably love my new midwife. But right now it isn’t so.
I am sure we will find the right church and I will make the friends that I am longing for but that takes time. And time feels like a long and hard.
I have to choose not to mourn the loss of what I had up in Washington but to cherish that time, memory, friends. It is the process of moving.